A Letter from Henri

Since I have nothing to do but wait for my train to reach the capital, I thought I would transcribe a letter I received from Henri a few weeks back. It appears below in full:

Greetings,

Comrades, it is I, Henri.

I’m writing you this evening from my newly acquired mountain top plantation in Central America. Here, I smoke Cuban cigars dipped in brandy, and swim in glorious, crystal clear pools full of supermodels and tamed penguins, while eating my good friend Ricardo Rococo’s finest pizza (it is so rich).

Ricardo is even letting me borrow his white suit. I look as if I could pass for a cocaine merchant, for heaven’s sake. Talk about modern fashion. I’ve been mistaken for Richard Blaine during visits to town. All I need now is a pianist named Sam!

On a more serious note, I’m raising my own army for protection (it is hard out here for a gentleman of leisure). Hence, visiting my residence will become tricky in the not too distant future.

For those of you who remain adventurous in the face of certain death, however, I recommend the following five step plan of action:

1. Successfully complete a bank robbery.
2. Rent a dirigible.
3. Fly to, and land on, my spacious airfield.
4. Pay tribute money to yours truly (200 pounds sterling per night).
5. Receive double rewards points for your stay.

I have not yet quite worked through all the details, but it suffices to say, it is a good deal (for me, obviously).

Anyway, I must stop writing to attend to matters at hand. The penguins’ ice box is on the fritz, my Spanish tutor is due any minute, and a young American, Nicolas Cage, is trying to sell me a crate full of firearms. Sigh. All in a day’s work.

Go in peace (until I start a war with Colombia, which I will do),

-Henri Panama Spagé

Attached is a photo of Henri that was sent along with the letter above:

-Thomas